I Have Decided to Become President of the United States.
By Tbone Posted in Elections — Comments (19) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »
I am pleased to announce that I've decided to become President of the United States. There are several reasons for this some of which are personal others are because I feel that I owe something to the common people.
On the personal level, the pay is okay with a good retirement program. It seems to include room and board and a 747 plus rich folk from all over the world give you gifts that you can take with you, along with selected furnishings, when you leave office. You can also sell pardons which only cost you the paper on which they're printed, kind of like the Mint. Afterwards you get lots of money for giving boring speeches to rooms full of fools who have paid you the money up front.
On the common good side, I am a lot younger than several of the old, Liberal Supreme Court Justices who are bound to die before I do. This pleasing prospect will enable me to appoint conservative justices who will make Clarence Thomas look like Thurgood Marshall. I will waterboard Arlen Specter until he agrees to control Chuck Schumer by threatening him with having his hair transplant guy make him over.
On foreign issues I will appoint Jack Bauer, Secretary of State. I will have him tell Iran that they have until the following Tuesday afternoon to destroy all their nuclear capability and their armed forces in whatever orderly manner they desire or we will do that for them in exchange for the balance of their oil reserves.
On immigration and will create a guest worker program so that Hugo Chavez can come and mow my lawn. I will immediately deport all illegal aliens in our prison system to a point just past our 12 mile limit. I will build a 5 foot border fence with signs in English saying "Welcome to Mexico" on the southern side.
Now the politically naïve among you may wonder why I can be so confident of victory. It is a two-part answer. The first part is that by the time Oprah is finished with Hillary no woman who doesn't shave her facial hair every morning will vote for her. Couple this with the fact that already no man who doesn't shave his legs every morning will vote for her means that anyone, other than Ron Paul, running on the Republican ticket will win easily in the general election.
This leaves only winning the Republican nomination as a prerequisite for the 747 gig. To do this, it is obvious that all I have to do is adopt all of Fred Thompson's positions and present them while juggling on a unicycle to show what a dynamic campaigner I am. This will assure that all the people who can spell conservative will vote for me.
I favor post birth abortions up to age 16 and gay marriages as long as only one of two is gay. With these positions and having never been governor of a state where 1) the majority of the residents have more fingers than teeth; or, 2) where the residents keep electing a coward/traitor and a "I didn't know I was loaded" as their US senators; or, 3) mayor of a city where obnoxious is a compliment and most of the merchandise sold "fell off the back of a truck" should allow me to pick up the RiNOs by the herd. (Moe Lane, Subcommittee Chair)
For the clean sweep, I believe that the gold in your teeth should be worth more than the change in your pocket.
Send me some money, I need a haircut. This message was paid for by the people paying the server tab for www.redstate.com.
Day 1: Request deployment of a minimum of one MEU for building security at each DoE location. Call mandatory attendance meeting of all DoE employees.
Day 2: At the mandatory meeting terminate all employees. Terminate in a way that they will be unable to transfer to or be hired by another government agency. I will need to hire Achance for consulting services. Former employees have 15 minutes to leave the building. No files or personal possessions may leave the building.
Day 3: Actually D3 begins 16 minutes after employees are given 15 minutes to leave.
MEU initiates live fire drills in every building. Drill continues until there is nothing larger than a US dime on the former site at which time sites are napalmed to insure no survival of documents or computers.
Day 4: Party with Marines.
Day 5: See to it that the Marines who most totally destroyed their site are awarded medals. Navy Crosses would be good.
Day 6: Invite the Press and Members of Congress to the medal awards ceremony. Arrest and deport to Gitmo any who whine about my plan.
Day 7: Rest. Take Mrs908 to a nice restaurant for an expensive dinner. Achance & President Tbone are welcome to attend with spouses. I'm buying, no expense reimbursement required.
Day 8: Call POTUS request new assignment.
____
CongressCritter™: Never have so few felt like they were owed so much by so many for so little.
______________________________
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
-Thomas Paine: The American Crisis, No. 4, 1777
______________________________
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
-Thomas Paine: The American Crisis, No. 4, 1777
I can think of many better things to do with the $12,000 qualifying fee, even if I had it.
Correct me if I'm wrong about the qualifying fee; I know it's 3% of the office salary in Georgia, at least.
"I know it's 3% of the office salary in Georgia, at least."
Or is Erick overpaid?
Envisioning when all that is Left is the Right.
What's so special about being 17?
haystack's 12th:
Conservatives (and Presidential Candidates especially) shall offer no aid and comfort to the opposition in times of legislative conflict (and ensuing political campaigns).
is "it is obvious that all I have to do is adopt all of Fred Thompson's positions and present them while juggling on a unicycle to show what a dynamic campaigner I am."
It seems so many here like Fred but he just doesn't fit their criteria of a hyperactive, phony baloney politician. Consequently, they support Rudy or Mitt regardless of the fact that these guys policies are crap.
Envisioning when all that is Left is the Right.
and ride a unicycle? But do you have any bags under your eyes? You know that's a disqualifier for office.
And if I was capable, I would post a picture of Bill Clinton right here with his waterfalls of baggy eyes, but you guys can just picture it in your mind for me.
I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful 100 percent.
things to do, we're with you.
I'd like to be Secty of Education for a week.
____
CongressCritter™: Never have so few felt like they were owed so much by so many for so little.