My Manufactured Mitt

Or: Do Rombots Dream of Electric Sheep?

By Ben Domenech Posted in Comments (63) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »

As the Iowa voters prepare to go to the polls and their places of caucus, the individuals and organizations conservatives respect are raising endorsement flags above their heads, declaring their allegiances. It is time for me to follow suit. And there is no question in my mind that there is one candidate in this cycle who truly stands above the others in several significant areas.

That candidate is Mitt Romney.

Please, do read on.

I share so many opinions with my colleague Thomas, but on this one I must break from him. All of the candidates in this nomination battle have important and significant qualifications that cannot be underestimated. Yes, they have their flaws—but surely we could trust Rudy Giuliani, the man who fixed the unfixable city, to be an effective Commander in Chief; surely we could trust John McCain, patriot, war hero, old man who shakes fist at clouds, to be a just if irritable POTUS; surely we could trust Fred Thompson, irascible conservative hewn from old growth timber and stained with single malt, to slug the hippies and cut the size of government; surely we could trust Mike Huckabee to use his silver tongue to make NARAL and the ACLU’s collective heads explode on a daily basis; surely we could trust Ron Paul (albeit in an alternate parallel universe where human nature does not exist and there is no need for interstate highways) to rule his idyllic Randian paradise with a soft yet perfectionist touch, fanned with palm fronds by volunteer Oompah Loompahs who sing glorious songs about the gold standard that would make your heart break.

These are good, committed men. There is much in them to appreciate. Yet these candidates all pale when compared to THE Man, Mitt Romney.

Some may point out that Mitt Romney has the least political experience of any candidate in this field. This is of course a bigoted lie. The least politically experienced candidate in this field is, after all, Alan Keyes. And Mitt Romney’s achievements in his lone electoral victory in Massachusetts cannot be underestimated in any respect. As everyone who knows anything knows, Massachusetts residents speak of the Romney years with a mournful fondness unmatched in human history, except perhaps of Adam and Eve speaking in their old age of the lost Garden of Eden. Most cannot speak of it without breaking into a fountain of regretful tears, crying on street corners, wearing sackcloth and ashes as they beg for the return of their lost executive. In the waning days of the Romney rule, one fellow I know actually took to standing outside of the governor’s mansion holding a boombox above his head playing “In Your Eyes,” begging the governor to stay, wailing as if pining for a lost lover.

But Massachusetts’ loss will be America’s gain, as our golden hero brings his unique amalgam of talent in such a critical time in our nation’s history. He has run the best statewide healthcare insurance plan in the country, the best investment capital group in the global economy, and the best Olympics pageant in the history of mankind. Imagine what such a man can do with the United Nations! I know I, for one, am very excited.

Some may say that Romney is merely Steve Forbes circa 2000, a wealthy man attempting to buy a nomination, with few principles but a better face. This is a shallow, bigoted lie. Mitt Romney’s other physical features are also far more attractive than Mr. Forbes’, as anyone could tell you. Mr. Forbes also showed himself to be an inflexible and non-representative politician what with his loyalty to the so-called Flat Tax and his dedicated work on behalf of fiscal conservatism. To be charitable, perhaps it is true that in one area, and one area only, Mitt Romney lags behind Mr. Forbes—Mr. Forbes has an obvious and ironic sense of humor and wit, as displayed with verve on Saturday Night Live, while Governor Romney’s laugh has been called “robot-like,” “less human than Al Gore,” and “like a horse coughing on a large fly” by some. But no worries, he is cognizant of this minor personal flaw—we are continuing to work with the focus group on this and will have the Romney laugh resolved into a smooth, hearty guffaw in time for the general election.

Some may say that Romney’s endorsement by the National Review was a dark moment in the history of that fine journal. This is yet another bigoted lie. The truth is that the New York offices of the National Review have been very even handed throughout this entire process. They have weighed each candidate equally, and found the rest wanting. They do have high standards—the National Review famously declined to endorse Dwight D. Eisenhower, after all—but in each and every way that was meaningful, Mitt Romney represents their views.

This brings us to an important point. Some may say that Romney is not a candidate who can be trusted. This is another bigoted lie. On the contrary: we can absolutely trust him! We can trust him to follow the path that our country charts for him. Are we not interested in representative government? Of course we are! And Mitt Romney is perhaps the most representative of all the candidates to ever seek the presidency of any nation, ever, even the imaginary ones with the aforementioned Oompah Loompahs—there is nothing untrustworthy about this man, not even his hair. When the electorate wants him to believe something, he believes it! When they want him to oppose something, he opposes it! When they are divided, he waffles! This is man is not just the one to lead our nation—he symbolizes it in all its indecisive, fickle greatness, just as Ronald Reagan did when he stopped being pro-choice!

Some may say that comparing Romney to Reagan is like comparing 98 Degrees to The Beatles. But they are by that very argument revealing themselves as nothing more than shallow bigots who have allowed their bigoted minds to overwhelm their slightly less-bigoted hearts to create a bigoted bigot-fest of bigotry.

The example, however, provides some interesting comparisons. It is true that America loves all things processed and manufactured—one need only note the aisles of meats, cheeses, music, television, and grande lite vanilla soy frappucinos. But it is also true that for every giddy, screaming fan of such sparkling pre-packaged talent as Ashley Simpson, Jamie Lynn Spears, or Hannah Montana, there are also “player-haters” who denounce these nipped, tucked, remastered and vacuum-sealed productions as “sickeningly sweet” or “almost repulsive” or “no-talent assclowns.”

Yet as the Republican brand faces an identity crisis, shouldn’t we take a cue from reality television and the boy band mafia? The American people LIKE things that are processed, predictable, and fluctuate as needed. Don’t we believe, as free market conservatives, that the market should get what it wants? This is an on-demand culture, and it’s time we met the demand with the man who understands how to adapt the best, and the fastest, to suit the needs of the moment.

Don’t you see? When the bigoted liars attack Mitt Romney for saying things like “let me check my notes” on an issue as important as the tactical surge in Iraq, they are merely confusing a negative with a positive. Aren’t you tired of the tone-deaf administration we’ve got right now? Under a Mitt Romney administration, our president will understand America enough to know that he needs to check the polls up to the very minute of the State of the Union address to determine what he ought to say about our Global Warming policy. Want to make it illegal to drive cars? Want to make it illegal NOT to drive a Hummer? America, now you too can decide! Just dial the number and press 1 or 2 respectively to make your voice heard.

Some may say, such as Redstate’s own Dan McLaughlin in his well-written but clearly wrong-headed series on the Unbearable Lightness of Mitt, that Romney is a liability for the Republican Party—that he has the highest negatives of any potential nominee, rivaling Hillary Clinton’s. Some may say that Mitt Romney’s path to the nomination would be a victory for the lowest common denominator. And some may say that given the power of the Executive Branch, Mitt Romney’s cadre of loyal supporters will be like Clintonites on speed, leaving a path of vindictive destruction as they target bigoted liars to be investigated, audited, and personally embarrassed.

These are all bigoted lies, and if you believe them, please register your complaint below while including your email, permanent address, and SSN for our files. We will contact you after the election.

I have chosen not to listen to such fools. Fie upon them. It is the dawn of the age of the pre-packaged candidate. Look on Mitt Romney’s works, ye mighty bigots, and despair.

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My Manufactured Mitt 63 Comments (0 topical, 63 editorial, 0 hidden) Post a comment »

And that's not an allusion to Mormon theology.

Great piece. Made me laugh.

5 by jpers36

And that's coming from one who has Romney at #2 (reluctantly).


Are you working on your update to the "A Self-Indictment" thread in light of kowalski's helpful posting of the entire context of Mitt Romney's comment so that you aren't accidentally used by a tool by the McCain Campaign to further John McCain's shameful lies?

Just curious.

Suddenly, I no longer miss the Writer's Guild of America (curse them and their liberal striking ways!).

There is no President but Lincoln, and Reagan is his prophet

Exactly. Has Hugh banned you from his site yet?

This was amusing, although I had not heard that the Romney people were the type to sick the IRS on opponents. Are they that Clintonesque? God forbid.

Inspired by this post, I'm running off to find myself a Romney bumper sticker post haste!

"The Constitution was made to guard the people against the dangers of good intentions."

I'm glad FDT wasn't your subject.

Well done sir!

I thought I had a gift for satire. I can only aspire to reach the hights you have achieved today!

Thank goodness.

Romney will be our next president.

...and I would vote for any of our guys if they got the nomination. There isn't a Ronald Reagan this time around, and there isn't a perfect candidate. My view is that you pick the candidate who is by and large the best on the issues across the board, combined with the guy who has the best chance at winning. That guy is Mitt Romney as far as I can tell. Mitthaters like to lambast him for his "phonyness" and position changes. I don't like that stuff either, but again, nobody is perfect.

For me, I'd rather have a guy that switched positions to the conservative side, rather than someone who holds moderate to liberal views, but holds himself up as the "most honest guy". Well, I believe Barack Obama is probably honest - that doesn't mean I'd vote for him. I believe everyone has the right to change positions at least once. It's when you change back and forth is when you run into problems.

“.....women and minorities hardest hit”

You can pretty easily come up with a list of inconsistencies for anybody in the race... even Fred has changed his position on CFR. Politicians do that.
Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself. - Milton Friedman

Fred has changed his mind on numerous positions. Back in 2006 when he was first playing with running, he was talking about how the border fence was unnecessary and how he didn't think employer enforcement was the way to go with immigration. The man was horrible on immigration policy.

My, he has changed his tune! Saying that will get you banned on another conservative message board. Doesn't make him a bad politician. I think it just makes him smart and perhaps more for the wise. I like him all the more for it.

Frankly, I think the inability to change one's mind and one's position is the mark of small-mindnedness, but that doesn't seem to catch much traction in political discussions.

"Don't ever be afraid to see what you see." ~Ronald Reagan

"At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid." --Friedrich Nietzsche

I have this recurring nightmare where scores of Romney supporters, led by the mane man, do the "Electric Slide" in synch MTV style upon winning the nomination. The funny part is the Electrical Workers Union, inspired by Hillary, cut the power and everyone cheers. Geez, where is Alfred Adler when you need him?

By the way, if you use the number of times one repeats "I am the only true conservative" as a means of measuring political experience your wrong about Alan Keyes...

Oh, and check your email. There is an angrygram from Hugh.

"Nec Aspera Terrent"
bene ambula et redambula
Contributor to The Minority Report

Wearing Mitt Romney masks, like the Reagan doll face in the Phil Collins video for Land of Confusion.
Join the Mike Huckabee LinkedIn Group
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Have you been to a LDS stake dance before? LOL, I like Mitt but your comment was just to funny to pass up!

You are absolutely brilliant.

attack on National Review for not being real conservatives because they office in New York. That was well-thought-out. And accurate.

I missed the major snark point in that paragraph, but I assumed the implication was that they were in the tank with Romney from the start.

No one of good character leaves behind a wasted life - John McCain

Just a wonderful piece.

Summed up my thoughts on Romney well.

I am a Positivist Pastafarian for the alliteration alone.

I read the above-the-fold portion and thought maybe Ben has seen the light, as shocking as that would be. Unfortunately, it wasn't so. Your sarcasm veiled the fact that you, sir, are a bigoted liar just like all Romnots are bigoted liars.

Despite my dissapointment in the outcome, it was a funny post anyway.

skimmed the other half. Another boring hit piece. You know what's wrong with a lot of Republicans and specifically conservatives these days? Nothing positive to say.

I understand vetting candidates, bringing out their negatives early to see what will hold up under the spotlight, but this is ridiculous. Every one of our candidates has something to bring to the table, every one of them has weaknesses. Dan's pieces were relevant, this isn't.

Enjoy your 2 minutes of vitriol.

Two thirds of the world is covered by water,
the other third is covered by Champ Bailey.

Darin....chill dude. It was funny. No need to get all stuffy and was funny.

Ben...I'm still wiping the tears from my face. Almost peed myself laughing. I needed that one (minus the soaked boxers).

Such a sack of bigoted bigotry I am, I guess...whew. Thanks

I didn't find it funny, guess I'm one of the few from the comments though. I shrug my shoulders slightly, eh, again.

Two thirds of the world is covered by water,
the other third is covered by Champ Bailey.

We now apparently know who he's against, so why not just tell us who you're really for. Not funny, and provides great fodder for the moonbats at kos and other blogs who are probably already cutting, pasting, and linking this. You can be sure they won't be approaching it in a tongue-in-cheek manner. I guess we've earned that reputation as "the stupid party".

To borrow a quote from fellow conservative, Eric Golub:

"For those Republicans who take the ten commandments seriously, they had better remember to obey Ronald Reagan’s 11th commandment. It should be in big chiseled granite on every Republican desk top. “Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican".”


Disclaimer: I am a member of a state-wide executive committee that is affiliated with Governor Mike Huckabee's campaign for the GOP presidential nomination

So are they all, all honorable men.

"No compromise with the main purpose, no peace till victory, no pact with unrepentant wrong." - Winston Churchill

have you ever given any thought to a career as a playwright?

Apparently Dan and I both share an affinity for Marc Antony's speech at Caesar's funeral.

And we know how well that all turned out for Marc. Funny though, he wasn't one of the traitors in Shakespeare's play.

Strong least you didn't accuse anybody of bigotry...
Redneck Hippie

Everyone knows I'm a Fredhead, but it is 1 Main Street, Loserville, USA to slam one of our leading presidential candidates this way.

Sarcasm is well suited for frat boys playing games with other frats, but has no place coming from an ostensibly reputable director of RS.

Plus, it's not nice.

I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful 100 percent.

Two thirds of the world is covered by water,
the other third is covered by Champ Bailey.

Sarcasm is well suited for frat boys playing games with other frats, but has no place coming from an ostensibly reputable director of RS.

In the case of Romney, I think it does. He is that ridiculous.

"I believe in grace, because I have seen it. In peace, because I have felt it. In forgiveness, because I needed it."

-George W. Bush

I'm glad there a few of us who see how counterproductive this is.

I'm especially glad that you take this stance because I have seen that you do try to be nice.

but doing it in a way that makes you want more.

Well done.

"I believe in grace, because I have seen it. In peace, because I have felt it. In forgiveness, because I needed it."

-George W. Bush

Is that you, in a Ben suit?

It's funny, I started reading and despite the title I actually got excited about a positive piece being put out on Romney from one of our "esteemed" community members. Boy was that bubble burst quickly. The only real substance to the entire hit piece was the reasons we could/should vote for the other guys running. That argument was actually spot on. Really, this entire piece was another attempt at a bully trying to get a brouhaha out of picking on someone equally vilified throughout community. Yawn


Great job, Ben.

Visit The Scratching Post!

to the Arsenio "whoop." In that case, this wouldn't be necessary:

we are continuing to work with the focus group on this and will have the Romney laugh resolved into a smooth, hearty guffaw in time for the general election.

Hey...anything I can do to help.

"Who will stand/On either hand/And guard this bridge with me?" (Macaulay)

It's not too early to start thinking about Christmas gifts for 2008.

"Who will stand/On either hand/And guard this bridge with me?" (Macaulay)

I happen to be a Romney supporter and to think he's the most gifted leader I've seen grace the Republican Party in 20-years. That said, even I got a laugh out of this piece.

Thing is, I bet Romney would, too. ;)

Hope you don't mind voting for the guy in the general. He's going to win the nomination. I think you know that.

"Don't ever be afraid to see what you see." ~Ronald Reagan

"Hope you don't mind voting for the guy in the general."

See Centerfire. See Centerfire stay home for the general, and amuse himself watching the GOP endure a richly-deserved electoral catastrophe if Mitt Romney secures the nomination.

It's tough to know for sure. He's been a member of Redstate for almost three years so one might assume he's conservative (no blog posts to confirm though). If Centerfire's conservative, we can deduce that he is either bigoted or irrational to refuse to vote for Romney in the general election. Anyone know what Centerfire is: liberal, bigoted or irrational?

I happen to be a Romney supporter and to think he's the most gifted leader I've seen grace the Republican Party in 20-years. That said, even I got a laugh out of this piece.


When (and if) Mitt does half as much as Newt has for the Republican Party, and for America, then maybe he can be called a "gifted leader". So far, all he's done is beat the Democrat B-team in Massachusetts and lose to Ted Kennedy. By that qualification, even Pete Wilson would be considered a far more "gifted leader" in the Party's history than Romney.

Hope you don't mind voting for the guy in the general. He's going to win the nomination. I think you know that.

This brings up an interesting point as to whether Romney would be the most capable candidate to bring the party back together in the general. He's taken a lot of shots at the campaigns of Rudy, Fred, McCain, and some pretty strident ones at Huck.

Makes you wonder if he does win the nomination if it might be a pyrrhic victory for Romney.

This was a major problem in 1996 with Dole. He won the nomination, but he made a lot of enemies in the Forbes and Buchanan camps, and was never able to pull the party back together to beat Clinton. Even putting Jack Kemp on the ticket didn't repair the damage done with many Conservatives. We resented the way the Establishment rammed Dole down our throats, and it showed in the general election.

the Establishment? Dole was a member of the Senate and a Republican leader for decades. Romney was a governor for four years. He is hardly your Establishment figure. McCain would fit this to a tee. Didn't he just try to ram amnesty down our throats, to use your expression?

I am in awe, my son.

This is flawless.

You really captured the essence of how Romney comes off to a lot of us Conservatives.

I'm all for the 11th Commandment, but not during Presidential Primaries. No one has accused Romney of anything more than being a slick, pre-packaged, waffling phoney. That is legitimate, especially since Romney and his minions have accused his opponents of much the same things, and even worse in many of the Hugh Hewitt types playing the Romney is the victim of religious bigotry card so many times already.

No one has accused him of anything like Mark Foley or Larry Craig, no one has said he was unfaithful to his wife or that he is anything other than a committed family man. None of this is personal, it is simply about choosing the candidate that best represents the Conservative Movement and should be leader of our party this year, and America for the next 8 years.

The fact that the slick, manufactured phoney card seems to stick to Romney tells us that this is a potential liability in his candidacy and one that is likely to be exploited heavily by the Democrat slime machine in far more sleazy ways. To ignore it in the primary is only to put our party in a weakened position against the Democrats in the general election.

If Fred's supposed laziness can be made an issue by Romney supporters, so too should Romney's unbridled ambition and willingness to say anything it takes to win the nomination, even if it directly contradicts what he's said his entire public life, be equally as legitimate an issue.

If Mitt was half as sincere as some of his cheerleaders make him out to be, this narrative wouldn't stick and he'd be cruising to victory nationwide. The fact that he isn't shows that there are a lot of us who aren't buying his overly polished routine.

"...slick, pre-packaged, waffling phoney." Sounds quite personal to me.

"...playing the Romney is the victim of religious bigotry card so many times already." From Huckabee's own mouth, "Don't Mormons believe that Jesus and the devil are brothers?". And didn't McCain, through his mother on the tube, also use the religious card against Romney.

It's one thing to criticize a candidate, and it's another thing to speak ill of the same candidate. That's what Reagan's 11th amendment is all about.

I believe it's Ashlee Simpson.

The Red Sox Republican: Burkeanism, Baseball, and Sundries.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

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