Redstate

Time to make history here, folks.

By Moe Lane Posted in 2008 — Comments (38) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »

Because we here at RedState are all about pushing the edges of the medium, we're going to try something different tonight. The polls should be closing, even as we speak: and I have a rental disc of the movie Shoot 'em Up to watch. No reason why I can't do both, right?

Don't answer that.

We'll start with the traditional "Is there a blipping site giving results that doesn't crash every fifteen seconds?" It'll give me a chance to get the DVD function on the computer to work.

[Update, 8:16 PM EST] Good thing that I started early, because apparently I need to try getting the movie to load on my wife's computer.

[Update, 8:29 PM EST] Marvel at the triumph of the human species over adversity! Movie's up, ready to go; I have Fritos, I have Coca-Cola, I have... no websites to get results from. Hold on.

Everything else under the fold.

[Update, 8:35 PM] Well, that's one way to sever the umbilical cord. 3:50 in, and the death toll already has reached double digits, one involving a carrot. I approve.

Hey, they're all bad.

Anyway, at .59% in, Drudge reports ROMNEY 42%
MCCAIN 30% HUCKABEE 12%. Which means not much of anything, but it's early. Get those sites in!

[8:41 PM] Baby aged six months in one minute - and aww, but don't you just hate it when you aren't actually too evil to abandon one after all?

8:49 PM: Finally, the CNN site. At 5% Dem, it's Clinton 62%, Uncommitted 33%. If that holds out, it's going to look bad for the other two real candidates that dropped. GOP 4%, Romney 36%, McCain 31%, Huckabee 17%.

Meanwhile, the baby is now wearing the hero's sock. There is some faint hope that a bus is about to be shot up.

8:54 Smooth move, ronin. Just got some Good Samaritan killed. 7% and 6% respectively, no real change.

8:58 PM: Ah, the secondary character, after some gratuitous nudity. Jeebus knows this campaign could use some... I kid, I kid... Ewww. No, not the 9%, no change. The scene.

9:04 PM: Yeah, I hate people who park wrongly in handicapped spots, but possibly not as badly as the hero... nope, not enough of a SOB to get slapped around. And I'm starting to dislike the villain's wife's timing, too. 11%/10%, nothing happening, hey we're about to have a car battle! No, just pushing some twit off the road. Again, Jeebus knows..

9:11 PM: 12%, CNN calls it for Clinton/Romney, the baby's in a bulletproof vest, and they got 50 guys, which will just have to do. Guess that this didn't last long.

9:30 PM: Oddly enough, As Above, So Below: at 24% and 44:16, tedious blah blah blah has set in. More gunplay! More! More! I'm still not satisfied.

9:34 PM Good gun advice to the baby... and, yeah, Ben's right: this election needs more Monica Bellucci.

9:46 PM: This movie is apparently ostensibly about gun control. Given that the death count is roughly triple digits by now, I suspect that the "ostensibly" is even more tongue-in-cheek than usual. Meanwhile, 39/37, Romney's breathing easier, and there's going to be no real reason for Obama and Edwards to push to have Michigan's delegates seated at the convention. (pause) Suckers.

9:54 PM: Well, at least it's a Democratic Senator breeding babies for bone marrow... and selling out to the evvvvillll gun lobby at the first hint of problems. This is turning out to be a surprisingly apropos choice.

Except for maybe the sky-diving gun battle.

10:06 PM: Hey! He shot a guy with his hand and got a dog! Score.

10:11 PM: Well, that's the movie - which lasted about three times as long as any suspense in this primary - and what have we learned?

Well, aside from the fact that there's a lot of ways to get killed by a firearm - this movie is so totally worth a rental; I only regret not drinking beer - I suppose that it shows that you just can't walk away from a screaming baby, even if it means removing every Pro From Dover within a twenty mile radius.

The parallels between this and our current political situation are so obvious as to not need elucidating, of course.

Good night, and remember what Paul Giamatti (and Constant Reader Raven) says: Guns don't kill people, but they sure help.