Suggested Fred Goodbye Remarks
By haystack Posted in Elections | primaries | thompson — Comments (52) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »
Our own Ben Domenech has, through secret back channels and insiders known only to him, obtained a copy of the speech Fred Thompson intends to give tomorrow from the front porch of the family home in Tennessee.
Hey there folks. I'm Fred Thompson. I'd say I'm glad to be here, but I'm not, so f*** that.
I want to thank all of you who gave, volunteered, and worked for my campaign. You all know from those whiny b**ches in the media that you worked harder than I did for the most part, so thanks, even if you didn't work hard enough to get me a win. It's much appreciated. After I speak today, you can pick up some cake shaped like an American flag as a reward. You don't like cake, well, go back to France.
I have a few things to say about my fellow presidential candidates before I go back home to shag my hot wife and make kicka** coin talking to you all on the radio and doing ads for Viagra, which I don't need by the way, as if that fact was not obvious.
My fellow candidates are all men. Not good men, I say, cause most of them aren't. In fact, most of them just can't handle it if you asked them to get into a fight. They whine and complain about personal attacks, they flip and they flop like retarded carp, or they check to see if they broke a nail. I have never seen such a bunch of pansies strutting about pretending to be leaders.
Rudy Giuliani? Slick cheater. Mike Huckabee? Jesus freak. John McCain? Crazy. Mitt Romney? Woman.
All of these are reasons they should be forced to give this d**n speech today, not me.
This field of candidates isn't just unconservative, people. They're anti-conservative. They're anti-honesty, they're anti-honor, they're anti-courage. And I wouldn't trust them to watch my dog, let alone my country. They are the all singing all dancing crap of the world, as a fella once said. And they can kiss the fattest part of my a**.
That's why I ran. But it was clear to me from the get-go that America just wasn't ready for the awesome manliness of Fred Thompson. I'm just too much for you to handle. You want a candidate who will cater to your every whim, who will cuddle you in a blankie, coo over you in your crib. You want that cause you're all a bunch of selfish babies. No wonder you all went government to put a bandaid on your little skinned knees. Well, you're gonna get what you've got coming to ya all right, and I ain't gonna change ya when it all turns to a big ole' mess of baby crap. Who do you think I am, people? I'm Fred freaking Thompson.
A lot of you have been talking about who I'm going to endorse. Well, guess what: no endorsement from me. I still think those idiots are all a bunch of sorry-a** d****ebags. There's more principle in my left nut then they have in their entire bodies.
They want an endorsement? I endorse a brokered convention, so we can get a president who believes in the things I believe in: in big guns, red meat, cigar-chomping, manly suits, and hot trophy wife poontang.
That's the America I believe in. It's the America I grew up in. And it's the America we all deserve.
You can all suck it. Now get the hell off my lawn.