<Euphemism>It's Time To Take Fredo Out Fishing</Euphemism>
By Pejman Yousefzadeh Posted in The White House — Comments (93) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »
No, Alberto Gonzales should not be offed. Let me repeat that: No one should kill, wound, or even try to temporarily inconvenience the life functions of the current Attorney General of the United States. But the man President Bush calls "Fredo"--was a Presidential nickname ever more apt?--should at long last be invited to spend more time with his family. Much more time. He should be a Soccer Dad, a Harry Potter Dad, a Couch Potato, Sleeping Late In The Morning The Better To Avoid Any Senate Judiciary Committee Hearings He Might Accidentally Stumble Into Dad, a Dad who doesn't leave the Gonzales family compound for any reason whatsoever without legions upon legions of intelligent adults accompanying him in a supervisory capacity.
Especially if he suddenly gets a hankering to serve his country once again. In which case, the legions upon legions of intelligent adults accompanying him in a supervisory capacity should move Heaven and Earth to convince Alberto Gonzales that "his country" is Kazakhstan. Or Portugal. Or Libya. Or Greece. Or [INSERT NAME OF ANY COUNTRY BUT THAT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA . . . OH, AND LEAVE OUT THE UNITED KINGDOM; WHAT WITH THE FLOODS, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. BESIDES, THEY STILL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH GEORGE GALLOWAY AND GOSH, CAN HE BE A PAIN . . .].
Sorry. Digressing. Anyway, convincing Alberto Gonzales that "his country" is Kazakhstan, or Portugal, or Libya, or Greece, or [INSERT NAME OF ANY COUNTRY BUT THAT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA . . . OH, AND LEAVE OUT THE UNITED KINGDOM; WHAT WITH THE FLOODS, THEY HAVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. BESIDES, THEY STILL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH GEORGE GALLOWAY AND GOSH, CAN HE BE A PAIN . . .] should only take about five minutes. Ten minutes tops.
Do you think I am even remotely done with the snark? Oh, mes amis, think again! More below . . .
I guess I could go on at length as to why I believe this, but Ed Morrissey does an excellent job demonstrating why the whole "I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!" schtick from the Attorney General is about as comical as when it was delivered in the movies.
Of course, the problem is that once the Attorney General says his "Hail Mary," gets the fish and then gets casually disinvited from taking part in the governance of the United States of America, the way is opened to the Mother of All Confirmation Hearings, in which the next nominee for the position of Attorney General--poor sap, whoever he/she is--will become a tool for having the Senate investigate each and every aspect of the current Attorney General's tenure, including the firing of the 8 U.S. Attorneys. Now, whatever your view concerning just how scandalous this scandal is and no matter what your opinion may be on the proposition that the U.S. Attorneys serve at the pleasure of the President (and I think there is something to be said for the correctness of that proposition), it is near indisputable that Alberto Gonzales has created an Everest of a political problem for the Bush Administration with his "handling" of this issue. (Not to mention potential legal problems for himself, but let's not discuss that for the moment.)
So any confirmation hearings for a new nominee for the position of Attorney General will simply turn into one big, giant Bush-bashing session. Naturally, the Bush Administration does not want that and so, Alberto Gonzales stays safe in his job.
Or to put it another way: Mamma is still alive and no one's goin' after Fredo yet.
So I have a solution for the Bush Administration: Take Fredo fishing (again, this is just a euphemism!) and then declare that the Deputy Attorney General is the Acting Attorney General. Then nominate no one. My RedState colleague, the Dark Lord Krempasky informs me via e-mail that the Acting Attorney General can run things for 210 days before it's time to put forth a nominee. Perhaps in the interim, the Acting Attorney General can work with Congress to clear up the problems left behind by Alberto Gonzales so that when a nominee for the position finally is put forth, he/she can be considered for the position of Attorney General without the ghost of Alberto Gonzales haunting the confirmation proceedings.
The only problem I have with this plan is that if the Deputy Attorney General becomes the Acting Attorney General, the Solicitor General, Paul Clement, will become the Justice Department's second-in-command. Given that I think Paul Clement is a future Supreme Court superstar, I am really hesitant to have him around the administrative mess that Alberto Gonzales has left for his successor to clean up. I would rather that Clement get to concentrate on his job as Solicitor General until the time comes for him to don a black robe.
But that's my only hesitation. And in the end, I think that while there may be a chance that Clement's name might get sullied in this entire affair, the probability of that happening is actually rather small.
So come on. What are we waiting for? Surely, the fish must be biting . . .