Twenty-Five Reasons to Enjoy the Weekend
By Thomas Posted in Elections — Comments (29) / Email this page » / Leave a comment »
In the same spirit of conciliation and honest introspection as this piece of work (love the black, Mikey, it's slimming), I give you: Twenty-Five Reasons to Enjoy Your Post-Election Weekend.
Read on.
1. We can finally get around to razing the virgin forests, slaughtering every non-human species of animal on earth, and destroying rain forests for giant, sprawling exurb communities in South America (with commuter jets for everyone).
2. Ladies: Take your shoes off, get in the kitchen, and warm up the wombs. You can start dinner with your college, post-grad, law, or medical diplomas. Think of The Handmaid's Tale not so much as a bitter, shrill, poorly-written, flat, loony-left warning, but rather as a primer for your existence for the next several decades.
3. Three words: Halliburton: The Movie. The sequel, of course, will be: Halliburton II: Of Course It's All About the Oil.
4. Jon Stewart cries bitter tears tonight. And, prob'ly, for the next month.
5. First Presidential majority in sixteen years. We're still waiting on the first post-Jimmah Democrat Presidential majority.
6. The long knives are being sharpened on the Left.
7. Mandate.
8. Four words: Chief Justice Robert Bork.
9. We are one election cycle from watching the Democrats become a Party consigned to the Atlantic Coast north of Maryland, the Pacific Coast (and not all that much of it), and Illinois. In return, we get the rest of Midwest, the Southeast, the South, and almost all of the West. Those are the growth areas; in other words, Republican strength is where the future of the nation is. In still other words, we are now doing to the Democrats what they did to us in 1936. Savor this.
10. Right now, the office staffs of The Nation, the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and countless coffee shops in countless college towns throughout the country are on suicide watch.
11. Somewhere, as we speak, Tom Daschle is very, very saddened. And regretful. And disappointed. And this time, it's for real.
12. The entire foreign policy establishments of France, Germany, China, North Korea, Cuba, Iran, Syria, and Canada are shocked and dismayed. Heck, that's worth two items by itself.
13. The likelihood of John Kerry growing a beard and descending into quasi-populist madness is vanishingly small, if only because Teresa won't let him put down the pumice stone that long.
14. Ordinarily, I'd list the imminent loss of Terry McAuliffe as Chairman of the Democrat National Committee as a bad thing. But, here's the ray of sunshine that breaks the gloom: Howard Dean might be his successor.
If I didn't know better, I'd swear the Democrats had decided to let us pick their leaders.
15. We finally get to round up liberals, leftists, gays, atheists, agnostics, polytheists, Darwinists, secular humanists, Bill Moyers, and Dan Rather, and put them in Fundamentalist-Evangelical-Hard-Line Catholic (they don't know the difference, so we won't tell) Christian Re-Education Camps. They'll be productive citizens soon enough.
Simultaneously, we smash every medical lab everywhere, and revert to faith healing. By law. We'll see by the burning copies of the Bill of Rights we carry around.
16. The Honorable William Pryor; The Honorable Janice Brown; The Honorable Priscilla Owen; and the Honorable Carolyn Kuhl.
17. Not once in the last week have we had to see the faces of David Boies or Larry Tribe.
18. Syria's next. Then Iran. 2007 should be a good time to aim at North Korea. With nukes. All of our troops should be back by then. And, with fewer Democrats in the way, missile defense!
19. Former Representative Martin Frost, D-TX.
20. We get to pave France. We'll need the parking and air strips for the next stages of the Dread NeoCon World Conquest.
21. We can finally release Osama, fresh from a Christian re-education/Amway teaching camp.
22. "Florida" is no longer a byword for "intractable litigation that threatens all of the work of two hundred years of republican democracy." Instead, it once again means "sun, rain, Disney World, snowbirds, tourists, beaches, no personal income tax, and Jeb Bush's launching pad into national politics."
23. The Bush twins. Not the Kerry daughters. 'Nuff said.
24. Time to draft some liberals. And drop the conscientious objector status; to our mind, one cannot object conscientiously.
25. Four. More. Years.
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Twenty-Five Reasons to Enjoy the Weekend 29 Comments (0 topical, 29 editorial, 0 hidden) Post a comment »
In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don't approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)
OK. My latte-soaked eurobrain thought this meant that people think Kerry would move this country in an even more wrong direction, that a Kerry win would mean that a unneccesary war with possibility of great achievements would turn into a smashing defeat, and that even more than 52% disapprove of the job Mr Kerry would do. I'll immediately stop trying to figure you Yanks out. You really are mysterious.
And Mr Moore, you should remember that the "silence implies agreement" is a oppressive and uncivilized leadership style, quite unfitting for gentlemen like ourselves that have risen above the common unenlightened republican scum. You should therefore not assume that just because the American war dead are silent, that they would have agreed with you, had they been able to speak.
We know you're great and truly the future of an enlightened United States, Mr Moore, so please see this as the constructive criticism it is. We wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.
Signed,
Monochrome
gender-neutral-non-hierarchical-non-oppressive-chief Cultured European Latte-sipper and Volvo-driver
ThankyouandI'mouttahere
When we take back power in four years, gay marriage will be mandatory for all Redstaters. And you'll all be forced to become vegans too. Hillary/Moore in 2008! We'll see who's laughing then...
drive the little sissy cars you like?
I think I saw this platform from the FAG in Team America, right?
I've got a few more reasons you may have overlooked:
#26. There's a good chance the Dems will actually lurch further to the left, thereby pretty much insuring a centuries-long dark age of right wing mastery.
#27. We no longer need live in terror at the prospect of the return of Alec Baldwin to our Blessed Shores.
#28. The Haliburton options granted to VRWC members will be looking a lot more valuable when them Iran deals finally come through.
#29. Sex permits. In return for yours (married couples only, of course), you'll merely need to agree to web-cam monitoring of your bedroom. It's about time we got rid of so-called "privacy".
#30. Four Words: Ronald. Reagan. Mount. Rushmore.
#31. Biblical figures on our currency.
#32. Prohibition of MTV.
#33. The end of the excrutiatingly embarassing (to this Bostonian, at least) remarks by John Kerry about the Red Sox (Manny Ortiz @$&*!!).
#34. Four more years of Jenna and Barb (yeah, I know it's been mentioned, but, some things bear repeating).
Oh, and I almost forgot:
#35. Free AK47s for everybody.
36. The United States will leave the United Nations and set up its own worldwide organization. This new organization will be called the United States, and will consist of just that.
find me any national poll that has any 3 of the following things with an approval rating of over 30%:
1-Hillary Rodham Clinton
2-Michael Moore
3-Gay marriage
And maybe I can stop laughing. I am HOPING and PRAYING they take the bait and nominate EITHER of them. That would complete the implosion of the Democratic Party into a hysterical, anti American comedy show.
How about if they just make Michael Moore the campaign manager? He couldn't be much worse than Mary Beth Cahill. I couldn't believe it when she said Mary Cheney was fair game. She had to be an idiot to say that, even if she did think it.
What Mr. Moore forgot was that, in a "divided" nation, a great many of people think that the country is headed in the wrong direction think that it is becoming too liberal.
So 44% (using his stats) think everything is just hunky-dory. 28% will do anything to stop the liberal (pick one)"media,judges,professors, elites,metrosexuals" (hell,on second thought, pick as many as you like).
That leaves 28% whacked-out blue staters - who are entertaining as heck, but should never be trusted with anything more important than which croissant to purchase with the latte.
#37:How about ading the on air meltdown of Katie Couric, and all he other MSM dorks wearing black?
This election surely was a tremendous effort from the Republican's who deserve to enjoy it. From what I hear you may actually be getting some national attention soon, as CBS is considering airing your list above to the nation as the Republican's left wing objectives for America.
Zealots and Liberals now seens to be the new catch phrases on the tv circuits. Oh it is fun to watch this struggle for power.
Enjoy the weekend!!!
Thomas -
This was pretty funny, thanks for the laugh.
Comments:
"Four words: Chief Justice Robert Bork"
The horror!!
"We get to pave France"
If you have to, you have to. Please save the St. Andre and Pouilly Fuisse for me, though.
"We finally get to round up liberals, leftists, gays, atheists, agnostics, polytheists, Darwinists, secular humanists, Bill Moyers, and Dan Rather, and put them in Fundamentalist-Evangelical-Hard-Line Catholic (they don't know the difference, so we won't tell) Christian Re-Education Camps. They'll be productive citizens soon enough"
Come on by. You'll find me in the back with my long knife and my free AK-47. ;-)
Cheers!
... (70% of whom would have supported Jean Fraud Kerry) wouldn't survive a further onslaught of LLLs seeking political asylum!
Think of how our property value will skyrocket if "they" leave the country for Canada. The intellectual divide may become insurmountable for our poor northerly neighbors.
"Somewhere, as we speak, Tom Daschle is very, very saddened. And regretful. And disappointed. And this time, it's for real."
There's nothing that makes me feel warm and fuzzy like looking at a picture of Tom Daschle - and realizing he's gone. Hee hee.
Bless you, Thomas for putting it all into perspective.
I am still heaving in mirth.
I thank you. My wife thanks you. My son thanks you.
Oh - I just witnessed my political carapice whirl away, outside and gone! - maybe I can return to normal again.
Levity. Humor.
Better (almost) than Dewars.
Barbados?
Ah. I have it . . . CUBA.
Your uncle Fidel will be gone by then - and 'you' (whomever you are) will be amongst the very first commodities outsourced to cigar-island.
Cubanos will still be sufficiently poor, gullible and down-trodden to buy whatever social snakeoil 'you' might serve up. Seems like THAT market has dried up here in free America.
See ya. Drop us a card when y'all get settled in down there in the 'workers; paradise.'
Great food, outstanding music, and beautiful women in Cuba. Good cigars. Warm and sunny, too. We'll keep it in mind.
Thanks -
will decree that every family must own a vehicle that holds at least seven people for the new mandatory five child rule.
Thank you all for the laughs this afternoon. I just found the link for this site today..
In Christ, Marcy Marie @};-
What a crock... from the main page of his site now, "17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists":
7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.
First off, Mr. Moore... Ohio State played Michigan State today, not the University of Michigan... and, for added measure, OSU won. Go Buckeyes! (Wow, is that hard for a Michigander to say.)
I'm once more reminded of why I read things like his... comedic value. Every time one of my liberal friends haul out the canard about how Democrats are so smart and nuanced, I bring these things out. Works like a charm.
Can you write 25 reason for liberals to not enjoy the weekend? Things like, are butts where kicked around the Bush, we were left on the dung hill of america, disallusionment, deception by believing that slander, lying, cheating, and persecution of Bush would make us win the white house, we thought the enemies of the USA and the United Nations (no difference) would help us win the election. I'm sure you can think of many more why liberals poor ashes on their heads in shame.
1.) When you change the first name of each candidate to "Harry", the President wins.
2.) "Screw it" just wasn't a good campaign slogan. (Teresa)
3.) No one really wants someone who looks like "Herman Monster" in the white house.
4.) Just what kind of job did Teresa have anyways, inheriting billions? Ouch tough job.
5.) Sorry Dems, it wasn't (2) Bush's with one stone, it was (2) terms with one Bush.
6.) Got God? No? too bad.
7.) Realizing that fixing Florida made it possible to count all Republican votes.
8.) When election time came around, seeing that the "Paris Hilton" generation was only really interested in, "Paris Hilton". A result of thier own socialization?
9.) Horrified that all the so called bigots, racist, religious fanaticals, dumb and uneducated and the like, got together in a well organized, intelligent, thoughtful, planned and meaningful way to express themselves in thier way and have that translate to advantage them. Now who was the dumb ones again?
10.) And #10, They may have to actually raise thier children now.
Don't forget "Jumpin" Jim Jeffords. Switching parties was such a brilliant idea. No, really.
I can't wait to see which lib blogs quote this out of context to show how horrible we are!
Tasty!